Problems with IIH

Initiation Into Hermetics, The Practice of Magical Evocation and The Key to the True Quabbalah.
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StGermain
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Problems with IIH

Post#1 » Fri Sep 03, 2021 11:47 am

Hey Everyone!

I haven't posted here for so many years. I know this is not an appropriate place for whining or expecting others to solve one's problems by giving some esoteric advice, but I -- as many others, definetly -- am stuck with exercises in the IIH. A long time ago I had been doing them quite regularly, although can't say I was very successful (it wasn't a failure on steps I-II, I managed). For a few years I had given up, because I took on a workload in my life, which in itself was a struggle. Now, as this more difficult part of my life is over, I decided to jump headfirst into the exercises, this time doing everything to the letter.

The problem is, I can't seem to progress through step II. It is like I'm trying to punch through a brick wall. Thought control works just fine, and I'm doing good with my black and white mirrors, I even wash myself with cold(ish) water every morning, do the magic of water, as well as practicing every day twice for about 30-45 minutes. Now, imagination just doesn't seem to work. I remember I was pretty good at it years ago, and it's not like I have aphantasia (or whatever it's called), I can imagine stuff perfectly fine in any other context outside this particular exercise. Whenever I sit down to begin, it doesn't matter how calm I am, I immediately tense up, my eyes start twitching when trying to conjure up an image in my head. It feels like the faculties neccesary to actually imagine anything just cease to work in my brain. Soon after, I get anxious and angry with the whole thing, which means, at that point, meditating becomes pointless.

I had similar issues years ago, the first time I was doing Bardon's, and for a long time I thought myself lazy and undisciplined. Now, I'm starting to realize, that when someone is doing the work every single day without any success, improvment, or enjoyment, it becomes a chore, and even the most disciplined, and iron-willed student would give up after a while. I don't know, if my psyche had developed a mechanism to cope with my failures preventing me from doing it right, or there's another reason, but finding a way out seems more and more impossible.

Advice people gave me included: trying not to force it, so it will happen by itself, trying to give up on my ambitions of becoming an initiate, so my desires don't stand in my way, and other oriental nuggets of wisdom. I never had a teacher, or basically anyone into magic of this kind, this is why I'm sharing this with you. My goal, again, is not to expect you to deal with my sh!t instead of me, or to get wondrous advice which solves all my problems, but if anyone could at least point me in a direction, I would be very grateful.

Have a nice day,

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