I've decided to write and leave this here as it may be helpful to others.
This is not necessarily about a specific magical/spiritual goal - so it's not really about K&C, or gnosis or enlightenment, etc. It's about a very human thing that I think we run into several times in our lives and sometimes even "leave magic" because of. A wall, if you will...a spot in time where you aren't even sure where you're going with it now. I can't even see a version of my life without it so I set out to figure out WTF I was going to do.
Really not into spouting off academically or tracing histories or giving magical correlations throughout paradigms. I'm just going to write, simply, part of my story in my own way and if it's helpful to someone, so it is.
I never really had a grand goal in magic study. I started studying, like many have, because I had experiences that I wanted to understand. Perhaps different than some, it never dawned on me to "make it stop" - my experiences especially as a child may have scared people. I remember being scared just once and because no one would believe me, my anger at being dismissed drowned any further fear I had about them.
It's been 40 years since my first memory of what I now acknowledge as an entity visitation, I still have no real answer if the question is: "Who/what was it, why was it, what to do with/about it". I have things I call it. It's still here with me though. Defies names and definitions though. Not having answers never stopped me from moving forward to experiment and experience things, however. And that I have.
Over the decades, like many, I used different rituals and spells to influence minds and circumstances. Everything from lovers to money, healing to gaining employment, learning new things, "forbidden" and finding hidden things. Worked on clairvoyance, bilocation, flying, etc. Meditated here, there, though not quite everywhere.
I haven't done "all the things" but many of them that I had an inkling or idea or desire to play in and sometimes get serious in.
Until about 4 years ago I never questioned what to do next or what I was doing. And then. I did.
"What am I doing?" "Where am I going with this?" "Does it matter?" I feel like in some way I became bored or perhaps more correctly, unpassionate about the work. No ideas on what to do next. I'd look at things and literally be like, "Meh, did that....did this other thing for 3 years...this other thing..meh, seems like more of the other stuff I've done just re-worded...meh...meh.
Some may call it complacency because I'm at a time in my life where I lack the desire to really "conjure for love and money." These are both good things and I mean you know..I have them and still work to maintain them...but...again, "Meh."
It's taken me now about 8 months or so to sort of come to an idea of what to do next...a mix of meditation, looking back on life and a few works to focus and "reveal what is hidden", etc. I'm still not 100% sure of the path, but I have found through this process I've reignited the passion, realized a goal to me worth working toward and desire to move forward with gusto, if not zeal.
A friend of mine who has no idea how old I am (largely because he's old enough to think everyone is 22 lol) recently said something like this to me, "Wait until you hit your mid-40's, something happens to all of us, I guess some call it mid life crisis but it's more than that, we suddenly lack confidence in ourselves, we start second-guessing ourselves."
I'd still call that a mid life crisis....and...well there it is...I'm mid 40 going "What happened? And WTF am I doing with my life?" lol. Don't get this wrong, I have a great life and I think that's part of the "problem" - I've achieved many things through a lot of work both mundane and magical and realizing I've got at least 40 more years left (presumably) so...what just more of whatever I've been doing?
Anyway rather than ramble on, here's what I've been doing that started shedding light on my next path.
I actually examined my life as a child. Went back to see what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now, there were a lot of things I wanted to be and it's highly unlikely that I'm going to become an astronaut at this point especially considering my medical situation. However, I started writing down the themes.
This told me what me as a child yearned for. I always felt oppressed as a child, held back - whether I really was or not, I went with the feeling. Most of my desires growing up for what I was going to do centered around freedom, not being judged, being "allowed" to be me, being alone.
I started to examine each theme...why did I REALLY want those things? It takes some time to do this...meditation if you are inclined, astral travel if inclined that way, etc. Did I want to be alone because I really find peace in solitude or was it that I wanted to be free of people telling me what to do? Now that I'm an adult and have no one in my life telling me what to do, do I still want to be alone? Was it all about feeling like others wanted to control me - so is this really about not feeling like I'm in control?
It's a twister to be sure and you can find yourself down rabbit holes that go round and round. Though eventually, if you keep at it, clarity will come as long as you are honest with yourself.
During this time, for me there were magical failures though I'm tempted to call them ritual duds as the failures merely ended in no meaningful results, they didn't backfire or cause distress just...nothing happened or at least...nothing seemed to happen. Okay I mean things happened but in hindsight it was more about the work I was already doing that I didn't see as work, just reflection.
Which I'm interpreting as a reminder to myself that when you are a magician and steeped in things...nearly everything is a magical work if that is defined by reaching out into the universe to affect a result in your life. Life is a magical act.
Most of the time when I post I have the idea that people are let down, I suspect someone at the start of this wanted a 12 step program to reveal their ultimate purpose. I suspect someone at the start of this is now disappointed because I haven't named a spirit or laid out a specific working. All work works, if you can make it work.
In any case. I may add more here. I am interested in anyone else's stories about getting "unstuck"
I have noticed some differences now...after the duds during which the majority of the self introspection took place...my New Work as I call it now...is different. Obviously as I regain passion and realign myself to the next chapter of life, I've changed some so it makes sense my work would change some. These are positive changes, I feel more solid, more sure, connections are better. And this is true throughout, not just in magical works.
So. If you're lacking in passion or direction in general on "what do I do with this now?" -- be your own tarot. There was a time when I spouted off "The real first step is knowing yourself" quite readily. Still true. Still circling back. It never ends. It never stops being useful.