To Keep Silent
Posted: Tue Oct 06, 2020 11:26 am
I've been an occultist for most of my adult life. Since I came out of my teens to be exact. In that time I have sacraficed social skills and career advancements for an eccentric lifestyle full of experiences that most would not believe. I've since kicked myself up the arse and got back to living and enjoying a regular life with real people again this past year. I'm advancing and making up for lost time. I feel semi normal again.
However, the older I get the harder it is to live with my lifestyle choices and experiences. To my friends and colleagues I'm a regularish kind of guy. A bit dry humoured and dark, but regular enough all things considered. But I wonder how they would feel if they knew I've been to graveyards and forests to perform rituals in the dead of night? Or that I've engaged demons, gods and spirits in dreams? Or that I've conjured spirits and even achieved visible manifestation without scrying? These were all things that I once wanted more than anything in life. But now I feel so alienated from society for having experienced them. If I tell others they will think I'm crazy (and rightly so I guess). They will also tell others and put my reputation at risk. This has happened once before.
My point is, the path is hard. Unless you're blessed enough to have a magical community irl you probably feel the same way. And even if you do have such a community this art attracts oddballs, the broken and the vulnerable. Chances are slim that you'll find someone semi well adjusted to gel with. A lot of the time I think "this must be how a serial killer or major criminal feels." I'm literally living a double life because I recognise the need and importance of keeping silent. But it's tough. And it gets tougher every year. It feels like such a huge burden to bear. Having all of these crazy experiences and not being able to tell a single soul. Sometimes I regret not having a normal life. But I think I'd also regret never having done the things I have. I'm wondering, does anyone else feel the same way?
However, the older I get the harder it is to live with my lifestyle choices and experiences. To my friends and colleagues I'm a regularish kind of guy. A bit dry humoured and dark, but regular enough all things considered. But I wonder how they would feel if they knew I've been to graveyards and forests to perform rituals in the dead of night? Or that I've engaged demons, gods and spirits in dreams? Or that I've conjured spirits and even achieved visible manifestation without scrying? These were all things that I once wanted more than anything in life. But now I feel so alienated from society for having experienced them. If I tell others they will think I'm crazy (and rightly so I guess). They will also tell others and put my reputation at risk. This has happened once before.
My point is, the path is hard. Unless you're blessed enough to have a magical community irl you probably feel the same way. And even if you do have such a community this art attracts oddballs, the broken and the vulnerable. Chances are slim that you'll find someone semi well adjusted to gel with. A lot of the time I think "this must be how a serial killer or major criminal feels." I'm literally living a double life because I recognise the need and importance of keeping silent. But it's tough. And it gets tougher every year. It feels like such a huge burden to bear. Having all of these crazy experiences and not being able to tell a single soul. Sometimes I regret not having a normal life. But I think I'd also regret never having done the things I have. I'm wondering, does anyone else feel the same way?