Dear Readers,
I am sitting here tonight. It is almost midnight.
And I am struck by the idea that I have outlived my usefulness
here on the forum and actually on several forums.
In my own admitted foolishness, I let myself fall in love and yes lust
for a beautiful California blonde. She really turned my head.
However, in the last six months or so, I have poured my efforts
into cursing this woman's ex-boyfriend who was battering her
and beating her. It just so happened that I ruined his life
and he is living out of his car, seeking work in Los Angeles, California.
Now, I find myself being evicted from my apartment in Costa Mesa, California
the stomping grounds of Lon Milo Duquette. I swear an oath I saw the man himself
riding a bicycle down the local streets.
In my magical studies, I immersed myself in modern grimoires,
the type that some of you scoff at because they contain
streamlined and watered down versions of ancient magic.
Over the last thirty seven years I have logged over one thousand
five hundred evocations with the Mystic Grimoire and New Avatar Power.
And in the last five years, I have moved into evoking
great Beings from the LHP including Lucifer, and a host of others.
I have worked from the Grimoirium Verum, the Grand Grimoire,
the Kingdom of Flames, and I am now forging ahead,
and making my way into Voodoo.
Magic gave my life a reason for being. It still does.
Beautiful and exotic and pretty women did the same thing for me.
When I walk down main street in Huntington Beach, California
during the summer, I am always awestruck by the thousands of
women walking by in their bikinis. It is and was a paradise for me.
And I often wonder if yes there is a God that created these
wonderful women. I can even see God or His Hand in the faces of
people laughing on the buses I ride in.
And so it goes. I spent over 37 years evoking and now invoking
various beings. The sad part of this story is that I let myself
be conned by a few people into spending thousands of dollars
for their alcohol and drug habits and for clothing and cosmetics
and shoes.
In my recent desperation, I even considered ending my life.
Just take a few dozen Xanax tranquilizers. People on this board
and in everyday life appeared to me to have lost respect for me.
I could sense it when we talked,
when we exchanged emails, talked on the phone or in person.
Then again, I could just be getting paranoid from all the cursing
and negative workings that I did. People told me that I should abandon
and cut this woman in my life loose. Just leave her. But I believed in her.
That she could benefit from my being supportive.
And she has. However, she keeps going back now
into using drugs and cannot seem to escape.
This is disheartening to me because I feel for her
very deeply and I am too attached.
I lost my father April 13th of this year.
He was placed in comfort care in Hoag Hospital
and left there to pass away.
The nurses basically were instructed to comfort him
but to let him die. He died after three days.
His body was emaciated and his limbs were twitching.
He had an infection spread throughout his body.
However, I did not cry and I handled the whole matter very well.
Now I am faced with my own life and mortality.
I hope that you the reader have gotten something
from my internet postings. Whether that be minor or major
help and even some aha moments.
The newbies here have kept me busy with hundreds of
emails and private messages.
I hope that I even put a smile on some of your faces.
In real life I am told I have a great and wonderful
sense of humor and make lots of people laugh.
I still love my woman friend, Cynthia.
God, I care for her. She is just destroying herself with drugs.
And if I could I would accept the cancer that one of
the woman members of this board was stricken with.
That is just me. I always have been genuine,
self revealing and self sacrificing.
I have been pondering about life.
Shall I live or die? What will it be?
I just don't know right now.
Is it just me or does the entire world
seem fucked up?
I wish Lucifer or Metatron or even Geof Gray Cobb
would tell me! Good night. And thank you for reading
this far if you have. My entire reason for being
was that I just wanted to help.
Bella Donna. Beautiful woman.
Butterball/Tim