Destroying the Self Through Understanding
Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2018 10:06 pm
Do you ever feel like you understand too much, and you wish you didn't?
I remember wanting to do magick initially because I wanted to do party tricks. The sort where you light or douse a candle.
Then it occurred to me that what I really wanted wasn't to light a candle, but to be in awe. The same way that people will spend large sums of money to make themselves feel good. It wasn't the candle at all, but the effect of being able to do such a feat that I wanted. The need to light the candle had become a consumerist notion.
So I learned how to create feelings at will, but that had its own ill effects. I noticed that I could make the things I thought were beautiful look ugly, and vice versa. When I was learning how to invoke pleasure, I noticed that it made the human things, the consumerist things, seem obsolete.
Every step I take towards something I want, the gold turns to ash as soon as I get close enough to see it. It makes me wonder if there ever was any gold, or if the gold was just my own self, impressing the idea of value onto something utterly meaningless.
I've reached a point where the states of things seem arbitrary and meaningless, but no matter how hard you try, there always seems to be something you can't control. At the least, it's less draining to go have fun somewhere than it is to invoke pleasure.
The worst part is understanding that the feeling of dissatisfaction is itself arbitrary and removable.
I remember wanting to do magick initially because I wanted to do party tricks. The sort where you light or douse a candle.
Then it occurred to me that what I really wanted wasn't to light a candle, but to be in awe. The same way that people will spend large sums of money to make themselves feel good. It wasn't the candle at all, but the effect of being able to do such a feat that I wanted. The need to light the candle had become a consumerist notion.
So I learned how to create feelings at will, but that had its own ill effects. I noticed that I could make the things I thought were beautiful look ugly, and vice versa. When I was learning how to invoke pleasure, I noticed that it made the human things, the consumerist things, seem obsolete.
Every step I take towards something I want, the gold turns to ash as soon as I get close enough to see it. It makes me wonder if there ever was any gold, or if the gold was just my own self, impressing the idea of value onto something utterly meaningless.
I've reached a point where the states of things seem arbitrary and meaningless, but no matter how hard you try, there always seems to be something you can't control. At the least, it's less draining to go have fun somewhere than it is to invoke pleasure.
The worst part is understanding that the feeling of dissatisfaction is itself arbitrary and removable.